I reserve that intimacy for my $1 composition notebook. But God is stirring new things in my heart and the only way I can continue in my day is to somehow articulate them... and perhaps process them as I share...
This blog won't be entertaining. It will be a magnifying glass into all my flaws. Who I am. What I'm after. Where I've come. And the steps I take daily to overcome my giants.There are a million other things I should be doing right now. I run an online health & fitness business from my home. My oldest son is in school right now and I put pressure on myself to conquer the world between the hours of 8am - 3pm. But I am frozen and I can't get my head on straight until I word vomit this out. I don't think I can operate as usual today until I let God do his thing.
Have you ever felt that way? One of those, "OK - I must STOP & LISTEN."
Take that as a much needed #liveslow moment.
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
MOMENT OF TRUTH:
I feel like I've messed up a lot of people. Unintentionally.
When I started my own business, I had a simple goal of earning enough to be able to quit my full-time job. Then after that happened (sooner than I expected), I kept pedaling my wheels because of my husband's belief in me and our desire to do something big with our lives. He wanted me to use my gifts and always encouraged me to be all that I could be... But that was the thing -- What if I failed? What is I disappointed everyone? What if everyone has inflated expectations of me because... let's be honest....
I spoke big game.
Then all of a sudden my business took off. It really started to blossom. The women I was mentoring started experiencing positive changes and success as well. That excited me and equally intimidated me. Do I let them know I felt like a hot mess 50% of the time? What do leaders do when they have to lead other leaders? How real & vulnerable could I allow myself to get? Do I act strong 100% of the time? If I stumbled and acted human, would they think I was a hypocrite? Would I lose all credibility?
What if sometimes I needed to yell, cry, scream and have my whine and cheese?? I quickly buried those temptations. I pulled my shoulders back & put on my big girl panties.
This idea of being a strong flawless #GIRLBOSS indoctrinated me.
And the result? I lost some good friends. I take responsibility for the pressure I put on them to perform, succeed, be at the top, impress, cover their insecurities.... and although those are not BAD pieces of advice... it was derived from me simply not knowing how to be a good leader.
Actually, I was a good leader. But I wasn't a GREAT leader yet. There is a Grand Canyon difference.
I was overcoming my giants by working more, playing less, smothering excuses and having zero tolerance for whining. I have a natural FIGHTER personality. I won't let anyone - ANYONE - tell me I am too young, little, inexperienced, or immature to rise to the occasion.
Albeit, some of those accusations may ring true (as a matter of fact, I HAVE been too inexperienced & too immature at times and my business suffered because of it...That is a part of being human and being a new business owner. Learning from your dumb mistakes is a good thing.) but I am still a fighter. I am Laura. I am still the spunky, driven, relentless girl God created.
"Physical training is good, but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come." 1 Timothy 4:8
You want to know when my insecurities got turned up 100 notches? When I was no longer a big fish in a little pond. I was a little fish in the big ocean. My team had earned their way becoming a TOP TEAM in our company. And then I looked around at all the other inspiring, seemingly put-together leaders and felt out of place.
I got distracted. And instead of continuing to do the actions that GOT US to the big ocean... I started hitting autopilot so I could keep the plates spinning.
I had personal issues come up with my son and his behavior at school. I had a newborn baby. I had retired my husband and we were in constant debate about discovering how he could use to HIS GIFTS fulfill our family goals as well.
It got me dizzy.
So I got in #GIRLBOSS mode and push the pedal to the medal. My emotions were maxed out because I was using all my gentleness & empathy to problem solve with my family. And all I had left was little patience for women on my team who whined that their deserved success hadn't come fast enough.
I had little patience.
In those moments, I was not allowing God to be my strength. I was scrapping the bottom of the barrel and it's to NO surprise that I came up short-handed and had little wisdom and leadership to offer these customers or coaches in need.
I've lost some night's sleep feeling uneasy that I did not allow God to speak through me to help those who trusted me to lead them.
However, I've recently realized ---
God already knew this would happen... and he let it happen.
And maybe it was to bring this to the surface.
Hard truth: I am NOT enough. I am NOT good enough. And I cannot DO ENOUGH to feel satisfied.
As a matter of fact, if it weren't for Jesus dying for me on the cross, I wouldn't even know what good was. Because I am broken. I am prideful. I am easily distracted. And all goodness that comes from my life or lips, it is all because of the goodness God intentionally placed in me.
"When a man's ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be a peace with him."
Proverbs 16:7
SUMMARY ::
I told you this post would be different. It was not a "how to" or "my top tips" -- and some may think this was a bad business move to openly talk about my faith & my failures. But my #1 priority is to help the coaches on my team be their best. And until I talk about un-talked topics... they may hide in fear like I did.
I am sure some of them are pretending to have it all together. When we both know nothing good will come from ignoring personal issues you need to work out...
I want each coach on my team to work on themselves. Let God prune you. Teach you. Forgive you. Then use that new mojo to build your business on a solid foundation so it won't implode in the future.
Fix it before things crumble.
There is no such thing as perfect, my friend. We will all learn & grow. There is nothing more on this earth that I want more than to provide a safe place for people to feel loved, supported and totally comfortable being themselves.
"Let us not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time, we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up." Galatians 6:9
I've been able to accomplish that through building a Beachbody Coach business. It's been absolutely incredible (in the best & worst of ways). It's given me a clear outlet to use my gifts, fulfill my passion & to pursue my dreams..... and it's expedited some much needed pruning so I am better every day.
God wants to use me. He wants to use you. He wants to make you stronger, better, wiser and to fall more madly deeply in love with him and his provision. If you are willing, he will prune you so you can be your best.
Just be you.
I forgive you. I know what it's like to make mistakes and reap the consequences. Somethings we cannot control. Sometimes we must just stand up after getting knocked down - and let God be our new strength.
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Thanks for letting me share. I was right. This was enlightening.
I'd love to hear from you. Talk to me about what you're thinking what you need to get over in order to be your best. Share this to your wall or with others if it helped you.
Shoot me a message on Facebook real quick, I am a good listener and I will pray for you. xoxo
xoxo
